Chapter II

Claire and Greg are discussing about their relationship in a hotel’s room.

-We should not be here I mean, I should not be here.
- But we’re here. What’s the problem? What are you thinking about that now?
I like you a lot you know, and you like me too, don’t you? So, what’s the problem?
- You’re married Greg; I am married Greg. This is the problem and I can’t forget that, so I should not be here, I should not be here, that’s all. This is my fault I know. I have thought about our relationship.
- So?
- I don’t want to continue living like this anymore. Hiding, and telling stories to my husband, neglecting my sons. It is not fair for any of us. I don’t want to hurt my family, and I don’t want you to hurt yours. Greg, it’s not fair for our families, or for us.
-I know you’re probably right and I understand you very well, but it is not our fault, not your fault if we love each other. I don’t want to lose you. I just don’ want to lose you. I cannot make the decision on my own. I just need for you to tell me one single word that I have been waiting to hear for a long time, and everything will be settled.
- I am not ready to make this decision yet. I am not ready to leave Henry. He needs me, the kids need him. I am not sure the divorce would be the best thing to do now.
-Wait a minute, you’re kidding. We are not talking about now, we are talking about the time we are together, and did you forget? I told you once, and I shall repeat what I said again, as much as you want. If you leave Henry we can get married, I will take care of you; I will take care of the children; there’s no reason to worry. We wouldn’t’ need to hide anymore. I cannot see another way, for except you to leave Henry. Do you really want to end our relationship? Do you?
- I am not sure. The only thing I know is that I don’t want to live like this anymore. I feel guilty every time we are together. I feel like we are stealing these moments. We are not stealing anything, I know, but this is the way I feel. How should I explain my feelings of guilty? I should be happy, but I can’t stop thinking of when I will be backing home.
- You have to make a decision then everything will be fine. It is up to you to decide.
-Henry has been unemployed for long time, I know, but what do you want me to do? The kids love him, and in his way he loves the kids too.
-Even, Tom?
- Yes, even Tom. Henry is the only father Tom knows, and Tom loves him. Henry does not give Tom the attention he deserves, but Tom loves Henry, and needs him.
- You don’t need Henry, but I need you and you need me. I cannot understand you, Claire? You have told me for 3 years the same story about Henry. Don’t you think 3 years is a lot time? Maybe Henry does not make any effort to find a job because inside of him, he knows you would leave him and this is the only way he knows to keep you with him.
- How can you tell that? He tries hard to get a job.
-The only thing I know is, if you really love me, you wouldn’t find this kind of excuse. Think about me a little; I have had enough of this situation too. You won’t make the decision, and for all our time together, you still insist with the same story? “Henry’s job”.
Claire, Harry’s problems are not your problems. They are his problems, first. You should clear the things up with him. What do you want? What do you really want, Claire? Not to see me anymore? Tell me, and I will respect your decision. I don’t want you to complain and to feel guilty each time we are together.
You know, I like Cate and the kids. We have been married for more than 10 years but my love for you is bigger than anything. And when the day comes, Claire, I will not think twice about telling Cate the truth about you and me. The solution is in your hands Claire; I have been waiting for years for your decision. If you feel guilty now, fine, we don’t need to see each other again. If you come to this point, fine, I am 50 and I don’t want to spend more 5 years of my life waiting for Harry’s job and you to make a decision.
- Not Harry but Henry.
- I don’t care, and I have been patient enough all this time but if you came to tell me again the same story, I am sorry but I cannot accept you being with Henry, expecting him to find a job. Can’t you see he is using you, and your money? You work hard, you take your money to the house and what does he do during this time? Tell me? What does he do? Do you know what does he does all day?
-Please stop arguing like that, I am tired. Maybe you’re right, I really don’t know what he does all day, but I know that sometimes he works at the university. He is studying hard to become a professor at the university. It is just a question of time and it will not take a little longer until I will be able to quit him and not feel guilty.
- You’re not sure about anything. How can you be sure he will be approved for a job at the university? And if he fails what will you do? Just be honest with yourself, don’t use this kind of excuse.
- Maybe you’re right, but I still think about Tom, he is very sensitive and I don’t want him to feel lost and sad if Henry leaves the house.
- So, Henry’s job is not the main reason. The main reason is Tom. Come on, he is not even his real father, come on!
- I want you to stop with that. I don’t want Tom to know about this story. I don’t want to hurt him. He does not deserve it.
- One day Claire, you will have to tell him the truth, why not start now?
- I have to go now. I have a bad feeling, I am not sure Henry will pick Tom at his friend’s house. I have to go now.
- I just wanted to tell you something. Christmas is coming soon and I was wondering if we could spend sometime together. Maybe we can be all together for the Christmas, what do you think? Do you still want to see me?
- I am really confused, Greg, I cannot say anything right now; I have to think. Please give more time, I need some more time, and please let me go now.
- I don’t believe Henry will change and you don’t like him anymore. You should be honest with yourself. Tom will understand I am sure. Please, think about us. I don’t want to lose you. I love you, Claire. I love you a lot. Think about that.
- I have to go now.
- When will I see you again?
- I don’t know. I will have an appointment at 3pm tomorrow, so I will call you to confirm by 5pm.
- Okay, I will wait for.

Claire was standing near the window, looking through the curtains. Her figure looked like a shadow; she looked immobilized, she was far from there, her mind flying so far from there.
Greg was lying down in bed admiring her nude silhouette. Suddenly he stood up and approached her, and slowly kissed her on her back near her neck. He then turned her head with his two hands side by side touching her long hair lying down on her shoulders and kissed her head, then a long kiss in her mouth. Claire did not move, she just gave him a big hug back, then moving slowly. She gathered her clothes together and dressed herself, tied back her hair as usual, picked up her bag and put on her sun glasses and went towards the door. She opened the door and stopped a moment before leaving; looking for Greg’s eyes for several seconds then turned her back, and closed the door. Claire walked to the elevator.

The Greg cell's phone rings:

- Hi Cate, I am surprised you calling me now? Everything is fine? Where are you?
- I called just to say hi. I am at home, everything is fine and the children are fine too.
- Don’t wait for me tonight. I will be late for diner.
- Okay, we will have dinner without you. Take care. Love you, bye

Claire arrived at the entrance of the hotel, stopped and checked for message in her cell phone. No messages. She lit a cigarette, smoked a little, and started walking to the park where her car was parked. She finished the cigarette, got into the car and drove away.

From the window of the hotel Greg looked at her. He could not understand why she still stayed with Henry. He followed her car with his eyes until it disappeared around the corner of the street. He closed the window curtains and made ready to leave the room

Another car was parked not far from the hotel and somebody inside the car watched Claire’s car disappeared around the street corner and at Greg’s hotel window too. The person looked at their watch, checked the time, became worried, started the car and left.

There were no clouds in the sky, the sun was still shining and a beautiful fall had begun. Outside, on the street and the traffic jam was noisy.

Henry’s cell phone rings:

- Hi, no I am not late honey, I am on the way. Don’t worry, I will be on time.
- You know Tom, please don’t be late. He doesn’t like to wait when he’s alone.
- Where are you Claire?
- On the way to pick up the children.
- Don’t worry honey. I will be with Tom soon. Love you, bye.

Later, at Claire's home, the phone rings:

- Mom, dad is late. It is late mom. I don’t want to sleep here mom. I want to be home. Please come to pick me up mom.
- Don’t worry son, dad will be there soon and everything will be fine. I promise you will sleep at home. Be calm and everything will be fine. I promise you. Mom loves you Tom. Bye.


Copyright
Lene Machado
2007

Chapter I

It was the beginning of winter and the sky had been grey for one week now. No more hope to see the sun shining the following day. No more leaves on the trees, and rain pouring down. I was ready to accept the fact that for a long time to come there would be no sunlight to warm my sad, cold days.

The intrusive strong wind blowing into my bedroom, battering the door and the window as if it wanted to force them open, was making it even more difficult for me to fall asleep that Friday night. Constant lightning, lighting up my room, followed by loud thunder was driving me crazy.

It was 10pm, time for kids to be in bed and fast asleep. It was time for me, Junior, to be asleep and dreaming. However, I wasn’t. I was still lying awake in my bed, unable to sleep, staring at the light-blue ceiling hoping it would help me to fall asleep. I wasn’t sure if I couldn’t sleep because of the strong noise of the rain hitting the window, or because of the strange sound of the wind blowing into my ears. It sounded like an injured bird that is dying. I had already experienced the sound of wind and rain but never this peculiar sound and it scared me.

I kept turning from side to side; I covered my head with my pillow. I wanted to disappear, to grow wings and fly away to a far, safe place, forgetting everything. Instead, I jumped up from my bed, dropping the blanket on the floor and ran to the window. I looked out to see what damage the storm was doing outside. I saw the street was completely flooded. There were no people and all the parked cars were half submerged in water. At first I felt just relieved to be inside and not out there in all that wet, miserable mess. But then I started to feel lost and alone, like a ghost in my room. I wanted to see my mom. I wanted her to protect me, telling me that everything would be alright,. that soon I would fall asleep and tomorrow was going to be a nice, beautiful day. But she wasn’t there to tell me those comforting words.

I picked up the blanket from the floor. It was cold in my ghostly room. I was cold and I didn’t have to think twice. I knew where the best place to be was and I quickly went to hide under the bed. I wrapped myself inside the blanket, showing only my face. This was the only safe place to be under the circumstances. However, I still wanted to see mom and be with her. Better I should go and look for her. But I found the right place to be in for the night so why should I worry about her? Because I was a boy and a boy is a little man and a man was supposed to protect the women of his family. It was selfish of me longing for my mother to comfort me when it should have been me comforting her.

Now she needed me more than ever but I just forgot about her, and went to the only safe place in my room. I was protected from the thunder and lightning, from the rain and the strange noise of the wind. But I wasn’t protected from my memories. I knew exactly why she wasn’t there that night. I can’t forget that night. I remember it like it only just happened.

That night mom was very sad. It hadn’t been the first time I had seen her sad but that night was different. It was like her face expressed the sadness of the whole world. I didn’t know a lot about sadness but enough to compare it with happiness. And she was not happy at all. There was a very serious expression on her face when she served dinner. She didn’t stop wiping the tears that insisted to roll down her face, with the palm of her hand. Sometimes she couldn’t, and then I would see the whole tear drop fall down her cheek and break on the tablecloth. I was there, sitting at the table, unable to eat anything, just looking around trying to find an answer to what was happening in the house that evening.

I could not understand why she was crying. I had never seen her happy, as she was by nature an unhappy person. I don’t remember her smile; I don’t have any memory of her ever smiling. I think she never smiled, at least not in my presence. Perhaps she didn’t need to smile to catch people’s attention. She had a special beauty. I loved looking at her and admiring her. She had been blessed with beauty and charisma. Her expressive green eyes, her thick, delineated brown eyebrows exactly expressing her emotions, her elegant nose looked as if it were modeled by hand; her full lips which I was always able to understand even if she was far away. She never spoke loudly but I didn’t need to hear her voice to know exactly what she was saying. I would just pay attention to the movement of her lips. Her voluminous long brown hair which she always kept tied back and her svelte silhouette – this is how I remember her. She didn’t need to smile to attract attention, but, perhaps this is a silly thought.

However, that night she was sadder than ever. And I felt sad for her. Even if she had never been kind to me, if she had always been cold to me as if I were the cause for all her unhappiness, I would have felt sad for her. After all, she was my mother and I wanted to help her.

My younger sister couldn’t sleep and I thought this was the reason for my mom’s sadness. Several times she went to my sister’s bedroom, trying everything she could to make her fall asleep but to no avail. The girl wouldn’t stop crying and howling with rage, with pain, with terror, as if she was seeing a ghost, a terrible ghost right in front of her. Am I a ghost? Maybe I was, at least for my sister. I didn’t mind about mom’s reaction because she always seemed indifferent to my presence, as if I were invisible for her.

Back in the kitchen, preparing some food for my sister, mom didn’t stop arguing with my dad: -It’s your fault, Henry. You are responsible for his death, and you know it! How can I ever forgive you? He was so young. How can I forget his birthday? It’s today! Today is his birthday. If you weren’t so lazy it would never have happened. He’d be sitting here among us, celebrating with all of the family. I cannot forgive you! And you never helped in the house. You just do the minimum but ask for a lot in return. You always carry those old magazines and newspapers with you wherever you go. Always carrying your trash, oh, and, of course, always carrying a drink in your hand, even when you go to the toilet. You’re an alcoholic, you know that? You should get treatment, you really need it. I can’t bear it anymore, you hear me? I’m going to ask for a divorce and this isn’t a joke, Henry. I don’t want to be married to you anymore, I’ve had enough. I want to end this, as soon as possible!

-Stop crying, will you. You can’t bring him back, he’s dead. Get this into your head! Why bake a cake for him? Are you going crazy?
-This is the only way I can keep him alive in me. I miss him so much and I feel so guilty not having been there when he needed me. I trusted you, and you failed. Your friends, your beers, your shitty life – everything- always come before the family. Why did you forget to pick him up at his friend’s house? Why did you come home late that night? Why didn’t you call me to say you couldn’t be there in time? Why didn’t you do something to save his life? Lots of questions and you can’t answer them. I can’t accept what happened!

-How about the kids, Claire? Do you think it’s fair for them to let them see their mother baking a cake for someone who’s dead? Light candles, singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to him? Can’t you see that neither of them can understand your attitude? Don’t forget you still have two kids. They need to be protected from such craziness. He is dead – please accept that. It was my fault, yes. But I have already asked you to forgive me. What else do you want me to do – kill myself?
-That wouldn’t be a bad idea if it’d bring him back to us and we’d be a family again, the way we were.

Once I saw some red spots in the toilet and on the bathroom floor. When mom came to clean it she said it was dad drinking wine during the night and he didn’t clean up his mess. Mom called him a parasite. But I think she loved her ‘parasite’ because she took care of him like he was a little boy.

Dad was a good man but he had been unemployed for more than three years and mom was right when she called him a parasite. He wouldn’t take just any job, only the one he wanted. He always said he was smart and would be getting a job soon. But mom was getting tired of waiting for that day that never came. She complained that her salary was not enough for all the family. Dad was a nice man. He was cool; he loved drinks and the easy life, and never doing anything he didn’t want to do. I can’t remember a single night, him not having several drinks. Alcohol was as important to his existence as the magazines, books and newspapers he always carried around with him. He needed to read and he did spend mom’s money to buy the ‘trash’ as she called it. Even though, Dad always told her he loved her, he could never choose between her and the alcohol.


That night my younger brother followed mom wherever she went. He looked like a little kitten, and was afraid to be alone. Mom kept telling him to go to bed and sleep, but he replied he couldn’t sleep until Tess stopped crying.
I couldn’t understand my family: mom unhappy, dad unhappy, my brothers unhappy – I was the only one normal and happy in this family. I had to do something to help them be as happy as I was.


Copyright
Lene Machado
2007